Grad School

Sometimes I get so frustrated with graduate school - I hate the politics, the lack of explanation on what is expected, the complete lack of a time line, and faculty that seem to have their own timetable completely. On Thursday I prepared to turn in my grant ( a couple of weeks early) and my advisor seem to think that was absurd. I really don't understand - why is it bad to finish the comps process in 9 months instead of 10 or 11? So, as I was talking with her I asked what was next - I know I have to write my proposal but what does that consist of,etc.? And she said "oh you will have to revise your grant it will not be good enough - everyone has to". I wanted to scream - WHY? WHY? WHY? What makes this process so special that no one can pass on their first try - it might build their confidence? As you can tell I am a bit frustrated. So, I had planned to spend a little more time with it but decided no - if they are going to give it back to me then I might as well turn it in and see what they have to complain about. So, I turned it in (by email) and now wait to see what they say. In my email I said that I wanted to get specific feedback, not it is just not good enough - because that is not helpful nor does it aide in the "learning process" that they are so convinced that this is! I am convinced that it is something else but I will not say because I am a good Mormon girl - at least I try to be! :)
So, I went to bed that night so incredibly frustrated and wanting to just leave - pack up and move home and so I complained to Heavenly Father - He was the one that told me to come to this specific place - and as I complained I felt peace that it would be alright but, I didn't sleep very well that night still frustrated and angry. When I got up on Friday and read my scriptures I read this:
" And I will ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions...."the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord." ~ Mosiah 24:14-15. Yet, again the Lord hear my cries and answers so quickly - I felt so grateful and blessed. I can't image what people do without prayer and the scriptures. I can't say that I like the process of my PhD anymore but I don't feel the burden at all! It is such a blessing. I sat and thought about how they were cheerful and patient and was humbled by my impatience - I just want it done right now - I don't want to wait any longer and there is a process for everything. My friend Alison has taught me about patience and perseverance in the past two years as her committee has continually rejected what she is writing, her ideas, etc. and borne her burdens with patience. As I pondered upon the things that I was experiencing and the time that it takes to do anything here I was enlightened at little in what the Lord wants me to use the time for and that made me feel more at peace. And then that same day I was given a long list of things I need to write or prepare for my job with extension. Several journal articles and abstracts, 2 small grants, etc. all of which will look wonderful on my CV - that made things seem better.

Different thought completely - I have had this uneasy/anxious feeling lately - I think most of the Ball girls feel it from time to time - a gift passed on by our mother. I just feel like I need to prepare for something big - what is it, when is it come (date and time, please), what do I need to do, is it good, bad, fun, terrible - I just want to know. I hope that it is wonderful and happens soon because it is driving me crazy. :)

I am very grateful that all of the people I know and love in Houston are fine and that minimal damage was done to their properties - it is much easier to replace a fence than a person! The Lord blessed us all with this hurricane.